


February 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [7]
Category: Smallville
Genre: M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-04
Updated: 2013-01-04
Packaged: 2017-11-23 16:30:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark has sex on the brain all the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	February 2004

02 February @ 12:08 am

I spent most of today over at the coffee shop helping Lana move some heavy things. She asked me to help clear some of the junk in this apartment on the second floor. She wants to surprise Chloe. She joked that it will be their love nest.

Chloe showed up late in the afternoon so I had to stop clearing out the room and come down. Lana just made up something about a utility closet. Chloe gave me only one suspicious look and then things seemed fine. 

Lana spent most of the time making sure Chloe didn't do anything at all, since her arm is still healing, which was fine because I had no trouble doing most of the work. They are really cute together. Of course seeing them together only reminded me that Lex is out of town. I really miss him. He's been gone too long. I want him back.

Okay, so I am pouting. So he's only been gone for a few days. Lana kind of noticed that I was all 'mopey' as she put it. This is the first time I've ever dated so I have no idea how I would feel about him being gone. I have to get used to it since he is an executive, but it still sucks.

I'm in a crummy mood tonight for more reasons than that. When I tried to call my friend Pete, he totally brushed me off and made up what I knew was a lame excuse for not wanting to hang out.

Way worse is that dad is in a bad mood, too. My dad has a little bit of a temper and sometimes he flies off the handle easy. He'd never taken it out on us, but for some reason he is not in a happy place right now. When I asked what was up and if I could help he just told me it was none of my concern. I can wait for him to talk to me so I don't mind if he brushes me off. I just hope he and mom didn't have a fight. Mom's not talking so I have no idea.

 

03 February @ 12:10 am

I went straight to the Talon after class today since I promised Lana I would help her some more. I dragged Pete along that way we could at least spend some time together. He rushed off as soon as he could. I haven't asked him yet what's wrong. I'm hoping he'll tell me in time.

Mom did the deliveries today since Lana needed me. Not much really happening. School, work, chores etc. 

It's strange. I can't remember ever missing somebody as much as I miss Lex. When he went away at Christmas I missed him but that was different, back then he wasn't my boyfriend. It's so cool to call him that. Every time I type it I get this thrill.

I think when he gets back I'll invite him over to just hang out, or do something nice. I'm not sure what. It's too cold to do stargazing but maybe we could do something else. I'll have to think something up.

He said he'd be back some time tomorrow. This time I didn't call him every day since our situation is way different. I have some homework to do before I get to bed.

At least there's cherry pie for dessert. So that's good.

 

04 February @ 12:08 am

He told me he's in love with me. IN love not just loves me but is in love with me. Me, a poor, nobody from nowhere. I can't even verbalize how this makes me feel. I'm at a loss.

I told him I'm pretty sure I feel the same way. I just don't know how to tell. I had a crush on Lana all while growing up. That was one-sided. I never knew what it was like to have somebody return the feelings. It's so different. I feel overwhelmed. I tried to tell him what knowing him means to me. I hear his name and my heart speeds up. I see him and I want the rest of the world to go away so we can be alone.

I went to Metropolis earlier in the day to talk to Mr. K about last Wednesday. I wasn't sure what I was going to say to him, but I had to do something. It's been bothering me all week. We had a nice talk and then went for a coffee. He's a real nice guy. I found out his dad died when he was young. We talked about Lex and the relationship he has with his father. No matter how hard I try I just don't get it.

I got up the nerve to ask if he's gay and he said yes. Then I asked what sex was like with a guy. It was so stupid. I wish I hadn't asked. I excused myself after that. He dropped me off the bus stop and I checked my cell to see if anybody had called. That was when I saw the call from Lex.

I told Lex where I was and why and he seemed not so much upset as saddened. He told me he wishes I would believe him over Mr. K. I mean Mr. K has told me he didn't set me up. Lex thinks otherwise. I don't know what to think. I'm confused. I know Mr. K works for Lex's dad and for Lex this makes him untrustworthy. But everything in me tells me Mr. K is trustworthy.

I think I did something wrong tonight. I asked Lex if he wants me to stop talking to Mr. K. He said it wasn't that. I don't know what it was. I asked if it was jealousy but he said no. I felt so clueless. I felt lost and way out of my league. 

What if he sends me away because of that? He could decide it's not worth it; that I'm not worth it.

@ 10:53 am

Maybe I shouldn't have asked Mr. K to talk to Mr. Big about Lex. I look back and I can't even believe I did it. I asked if he could maybe talk to Lex's dad about not being so angry with his son.

Lex is right. I am so naive. I just have all this hope that people will always make the right choice that they are deep down inside nice.

I like to always believe the best in people. Is it naive of me to think that maybe he might listen?

I really need help with this one. I feel so out of my league and so out of my depth.

 

05 February @ 12:52 am

This has been a hard day. At least emotionally it has for me. I don't really know how to take this. Bruce called mom today. He asked her if it would be okay for me to go to his hometown with Lex. Somehow he managed to convince mom that it's a good idea. Of course she just spent the last hour drilling the rules into my head.

She also called Lex and talked to him about the rules. Which aren't bad just things like, in bed by midnight, call every day, no alcohol, and if I'm going to stay out late, I have to call her to let her know why. That's not too bad. I'm still in shock that she's letting me go at all. She even got dad to agree. She said we could trust Bruce and it would be good for me to go somewhere else outside of Kansas.

I wonder if Lex is really going to take me to museums and stuff like he told my mom. That wouldn't be too bad I guess.

I did the deliveries today and walked into Lex's office while he was on the phone with Mr. K. They were talking about me. I can't believe Mr. K actually told Lex about what I asked him to do. I was going to tell Lex about it today, but Mr. K beat me to it. I felt so out of my depth, like I said, but I understand now what Lex was trying to say. I get that he knows what he's dealing with when it comes to his dad. He doesn't want me stuck in the middle of something.

I want to do something to make things easier for Lex. I want him to be happy. I wish I could. I just feel so helpless in this. It really annoys me when I tell him how special he is to me and he puts himself down. He acts like he's not worth it. He's the one with everything to offer. He could have anybody, anything, but he wants me. That's at once exhilarating and terrifying.

I guess Mr. K is stuck in the middle of something. I mean he's right there in the lion's den . . . My dad really doesn't like Lex's dad. I've never really been able to get it out of him why. He just says things about the plant poisoning the water and soil and then changes the subject. 

So suddenly I'm going to a big city for the week end, and things between Lex and me seem different. I understand something about him that I didn't before. My head hurts. This is so much to take in all at once. 

My dad kept staring at me over dinner. He didn't say anything but . . . anyway, I just left it alone. If he wants to say something to me, he will.

@ 11:17 pm

But the weirdest thing happened today. I was in the school parking lot and I saw Mr. K. When I waved him down he looked at me and drove off without stopping. I could have sworn he saw me, but I guess he didn't because if he had he would have stopped to say hi. I tried to call him but his phone went straight to voice mail. I didn't want to leave a message since what I wanted to say can't be said in a message. I was hoping I could ask him to forget about talking to Mr. Big, but I guess it's too late. He might have already told him by now.

Pete brushed me off to hang out with the football crowd. I was so thrown by this that I didn't say anything. I just walked away.

Everybody seems to be so busy lately. I know Lana has been busy dealing with the contractors and Chloe seems busy with the school paper. Not really a surprise there.

Dad and mom have been quiet and dad gave me extra work today. At one point he stopped and asked me about Lex. He asked where we'd be staying in the city when we went away. I told him it was fine since Mr. Wayne would be there. I don't think dad suspects anything. I don't even think he could even conceive of it. My dad doesn't think that way.

 

06 February @ 08:53 pm

The plane ride was brief. Lex told me why we're going. He's worried about Bruce. Something's wrong. He just wanted me to be alert but I think I would like to help out see if maybe he'll talk to me. He's a nice guy and I want to do whatever I can.

Mom saw me off at home. Dad looked unhappy about it but he also told me to be careful so I guess he's okay with it. She looked real nervous but she packed my suitcase so I guess she's totally okay with all this as well. I called her as soon as I arrived at the estate. This place is huge and the room I was put in is bigger than our barn. My bed is bigger than my room at home. On top of that, the room is attached to a bathroom and sitting room that I share with Lex. He's in the shower right now. I'm so trying not to peek. And it would be so easy to use my X-ray vision right now.

I unpacked and found something extra. Since my mom packed for me I didn't know what she'd packed. She included condoms! I almost fell over. The thought that she actually wants something to happen passed my mind for a second until I realized that it doesn't necessarily have to mean that.

I can't believe how tired I am. I don't usually get tired. I still need to shower and change. My mom packed enough underwear for a week, a few pairs of blue jeans, six t-shirts - 3 red, 2 white and 1 blue. She even remembered my favorite blue flannel shirt. Plus socks for a week, all white except one pair of light brown. She even packed a pair of dark blue dress pants, a nice light blue dress shirt, my brown jacket and a tie. She thought of everything. I would have just thrown some shirts and stuff in the suitcase. I remembered my laptop though. That way I can still do homework.

 

07 February @ 10:20 pm

My mom left a note with the condoms that I keep in my pants pocket to remind me that she's put a lot of trust in me.

Mom's note - 

"I don't think you're ready, but if you think you are, I want you to be safe. Dad doesn't know." 

I passed out last night while we watched some TV. The day was so great but that was not the best thing that happened. The best thing that happened was Lex said I love you.

We went to Bruce's closet to find something for me to wear for tomorrow (we're going to see a Shakespeare play so I need something nice to wear). I waited all day to touch Lex. I leaned in, from behind, while he was trying to tell me what a gentleman should wear to the theatre and just smelled him without touching him. Then he leaned back into me. It was so amazingly hot. Just that one touch turned me on.

We started to make out right there in the closet and then something hit me. My mom knows. She knows about Lex and me. So I'm slow to figure that part out. She packed condoms with that note. I showed the note to Lex. And told him I am not ready for something more. He understood and when I looked into his eyes and saw understanding, I pulled him into a hug and I didn't want to let go.

I called mom and told her about my day. I told her that I'm not ready to have sex just yet. I didn't tell her about me dating Lex. I think that's something I should tell her in person.

Gotham is way different than I thought it would be. It was an overcast day so maybe that had something to do with it. We did so much. First Lex took me around town and then we met Bruce for lunch at this nice diner. We went to a museum after and had dinner in Chinatown. It was interesting since all of it was new to me. I didn't really like this sauce that we had but I pretended I did. I don't want to be rude.

Tomorrow we're going to see a matinee of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I asked for a copy of the play. I'm going to read it tonight. That way I have some idea of what to expect. I've only ever seen plays in school.

Lex went off to talk to Bruce I think maybe I'll take a look around this place. It's so big and Bruce said I could go anywhere I want. He told me there are rooms full of books. I think I'll head to the kitchen and check it out. Maybe after I read the play I can find something cool to read.

@ 11:58 pm

I just ran into Bruce and Lex in the hallway on my way back from snooping and getting a drink. Before that I looked around this place. It's huge. I got lost and had to use my x-ray vision to find my way. There are these weird caves under the manor. I have no idea what it's about.

I did see this real cool car though. I wonder if Bruce would let me drive it.

I know I interrupted something. I didn't mean to since Lex had told me he needed to find out what was bothering Bruce. I told Lex I needed to get something from the kitchen and followed Bruce to see if I could help Lex figure out what was wrong. I thought maybe Bruce would talk to me. He didn't really talk much except to say he has a secret and that I would understand. I told him that if he needed my special abilities for anything I would help him. He said he would come to me if there were something he thought I could do.

Lex is asleep in his room now, I guess. I can't sleep. I feel so jumpy and restless. I wish I could go to him but I just told him earlier that I'm not ready for sex.

I'm worried about Lex. I know he's concerned about Bruce but how do I tell Lex to stop prying without raising his suspicions?

All these secrets. I wish I could just march into Lex's room right now and just tell him. I wish I were brave enough. I know I'm not. I just can't lose him, not now. Not when I finally have him. I'll tell him eventually. Maybe.

I had a nightmare about this. In it Lex found out and he hated me and told me he would never let me rest until the world knew about me. 

 

08 February @ 09:22 am

I just called mom to let her know everything is cool. Actually, I just wanted to hear her voice. I miss her and dad. I miss waking up early and doing chores, which is dumb since I've only been gone a day. I told her about us going to see A Midsummer Night's Dream today. I didn't finish the book. It was kind of boring and I fell asleep. I'll finish it before breakfast.

I had a nightmare again last night. In it I was looking for Lex and when I found him he gave me this disgusted look and told me that I'm a freak and that he would destroy me for being different. I've been having this dream for a while now. It usually ends with him walking away from me and when I try to explain he screams that nothing I say will change his mind.

I think I hear some sounds in the bathroom. I used it a half hour ago and looked in on Lex to see if he was awake. He wasn't. I wanted so badly to go into his room but that dream stopped me. I know it's just a dream but it scared me.

I'm hungry so I'm off to the kitchen. I totally forgot. Bruce has a butler who does everything for him. He's kind of creepy and I try to stay away from him. It's weird when somebody calls you master. I almost laughed out loud, but I managed to be polite. I hope he's not up already. I'm sure I can make something to eat on my own.

Bruce has a lot of pain deep inside. I wish there was something I could do for him. It's really painful to watch a friend hurting.

 

09 February @ 12:44 am

I got home a while ago. When I got in the door I thought mom was real calm about it. She held back and asked how things went. Then she told me to sit and have some apple pie, which I gladly did. 

Mom said Lana called and asked her to tell me to call no matter how late I got in. She collapsed on Friday! I'm real worried about her now. I didn't even realize something was wrong. She had Chloe with her to help her through.

After I unpacked I went down to eat and now I'm just relaxing. I didn't really have a chance while I was away.

The rest of the weekend was great. We went to see the play then had an early dinner. The play wasn't too bad. I had no idea what was going on. I think I'll read it again or something. Maybe I can rent a movie version of it. Bruce was really cool; a very gracious host. I hope I was polite enough.

So I went away and had a cool time. Now I feel weird. I'm not sure what it is. I feel off. For one thing, I don't want to sleep and have that nightmare again. I hate it. I hate that I even have it at all. I've never felt so frustrated about anything before.

I woke Lex up this morning with kisses on his neck. At first he freaked a bit but then when I said hi he relaxed. It was nice, peaceful, and simple. I wished it could always be that way. I know it can't but I still wish it.

My mom is still up. I can hear her moving around. I think I'm going to go talk to her. She needs some reassurance that I wasn't corrupted while I went away.

ETA - 

Mom is fine. We had a long talk. She's so cool. She felt better once I told her I wasn't in any hurry to get some. I made her smile when I said it that way. But then she got that worried mom look in her eyes. I took a deep breath and told her the honest truth. I told her I had plenty of opportunity but that I know in my heart I'm not ready.

Besides, I'm so terrified of the idea right now and I don't even want to think about it. 

@ 01:04 pm

I ran into Chloe on my way to the torch office and when I saw her I had to grab her and drag her into the office so I could blurt out what Lex said to me on the weekend. I told her he had said that he loves me. I almost hyperventilated when I realized I can tell somebody and she was more than willing to listen to every word. And she wouldn't judge me. I also told her about my mom putting condoms in my suitcase.

She was very excited for me. I am so happy right now. 

Lex loves me. 

On another weird note, when I tried to talk to Pete at lunch, he brushed me off and said he needed to go do something. I asked him if he wanted to do something later after I finished deliveries. He said he was playing basketball with the guys. He walked off and joined a group of guys in the cafeteria. They were the guys that strung me up. Even Whitney was with them.

At least Whitney nodded a hello. It seemed like he waited until his friends couldn't see that, like he doesn't want them to know that he's on speaking terms with me. I guess it's cool that Pete is hanging with other guys. But does it have to be those jerks.

 

10 February @ 12:41 am

After school today I went home to fine that mom was sorting through old pictures. She was looking at pictures of me from when I was young. When I asked her if everything was okay, she got all misty eyed and gave me this look. Then she said that she was just being silly and that she's proud of me.

I took one of the pictures of me from when I was nine to show to Lex. He liked it. That wasn't the best part. When I went over we did stuff: fully clothed stuff. It took almost no time for me.

We even cuddled afterwards. I accidentally blurted out that I thought he was cute. Which I guess I shouldn't have done but then he told him he liked that I thought he was cute and hot. I told him he's hot, too; especially straddling me. I gladly endured sticky briefs to be close to him and have him look at me that way and kiss me that way.

When I got home, I found my parents out in the barn fixing the tractor. I was able to change. Dinner was quiet. When I offered to help mom with the dishes she just told me to go do my homework. I have a feeling she's struggling with something but she won't tell me what. I wish she would. It makes me kind of nervous. 

I'm feeling real relaxed and tired. I think I will turn in now.

 

11 February @ 12:49 am

I didn't do much today. I was late for the bus then after school I helped Lana clean that love shack room out some more. She's happy about this coming week end since it is Valentine's Day. I'm not that thrilled. It's always been one of those days I ignore, but the school is actually having a dance this Friday. I obviously can't bring Lex. I couldn't even imagine him there for one thing. For another thing the fact that we are both male and I'm still under sixteen wouldn't go over well.

After dinner my dad made me shovel out the barn. I hate that job. It stinks. Man my life is boring sometimes. 

I need to call Lex.

AGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!  
Some days I just wish. Actually, all days I wish. 

I'm getting Lex a card for Valentines Day. It's all I can afford. I hope he doesn't get me anything. I don't want anything except to spend some time with him.

Then there's the dance. I hate those things. I always sit them out. For one thing, I don't know how to dance and even if I did, I would probably break my partner's toes from stepping on them all the time. I guess I'm not much into all those things like dancing.

I'm going to call him now. 

Eta: I called him. He seemed weird. I asked him to be my valentine. It felt weird not bad weird just weird. I can't even say what was weird about it. I told him if I could take anybody to the dance it would be him. But again I just couldn't picture it. He implied that he's dressed in drag before. Something I could definitely not picture. My personal preference is to have him as he is. Not that I have anything against guys who dress like girls. I just want Lex to be a guy not a girl.

He suggested I ask Lana or Chloe as a friend. I don't know. I really don't like dances. I have never actually been to any of them. I think I'll just stay home. Lex said we could do something on Saturday. I had to hang up since dad interrupted to remind me it was time to get to bed.

I better get to bed.

@ 02:01 pm

I was kidding about the drag thing. I really don't want to see Lex in drag. The thought is totally not appealing. I think I would look terrible in a dress even if I've been called pretty before. 

I hope Lex doesn't take it seriously, but I don't want to say anything. He might think I'm being uncool. I don't want him to think I'm totally clueless but I guess compared to him I am.

I didn't realize that what dad did last night bothered Lex so much. I mean dad was just reminding me to get to bed. I wouldn't have expected him to talk to Lex. Sudden I feel stuck as to how to handle that. 

I wonder how dad would feel if he knew what I wanted Lex to do to me. I wonder if he'd hate me.

 

12 February @ 12:14 am

Dad asked me to be out on Saturday. I guess he wants to do something with mom. I told him I think I could find something to do. I didn't tell him it's with Lex. I'll ask mom tomorrow about that. I can't say anything about Saturday but he said stuff about how he used to do romantic things for her before they got married. I stopped him before he got into TMI territory.

I think it's great that they're still that way, but I really didn't need to know about it. At least I can miss that. On a happy note, it means I can go to the mansion.

@ 09:23 am

I'm not having a great day. On top of that my best friend won't talk to me. He walked away again when I asked if we could hang later. I followed him anyways and tried to find out what he was doing for the dance. He said he didn't have time to talk, and needed to get to class. I'm going to bug him in gym class this afternoon.

I'm dating somebody my dad doesn't like. Last night when I asked him why he didn't say hi to Lex on the phone he just grunted and told me to go do my chores.

Something is wrong. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I hope so. I'm going to ask dad point blank tonight.

@ 03:11 pm

I want to be just a normal every day guy so I don't have to be afraid that one day Lex will find out I'm an alien freak that landed in Kansas, killed a bunch of people and burned his hair off.

The nightmares are almost every night now. I don't know what to do short of telling him the truth, but at this point I would rather eat meteor rocks than do that. I think about it until I want to crush something.

The other thing that got me on this train of thought was mom and dad. I see what they have and I want it. I want the ease, the trust, the understanding, the honesty, and the support they have between each other. Things I maybe can't give Lex. I can give him some of them. I can give him my support and understanding, but I won't be able to give him honesty. I try to give him as much as I can. I really do. Sometimes I sit on the edge of his property and wonder how it would happen. How I could tell him without him hating me forever. How he would react.

I know the dreams are just dreams, and I can't go by them but the fear is very real. I've told him to his face that he did not hit me with his car. I told him and made him feel bad for thinking it was more and that I'm hiding something from him. Just because I wasn't super at the time doesn't make it right.

It's funny every once in a while I talk to my mom about this. About when I can tell somebody I care about, about when I get into a very serious relationship with another person. They'll have to know that I can break them with the flick of my wrist. It's the right thing to do.

Nothing but circles, it's all that ends up happening when I think about this. I end up right where I started. I hate being an alien.

And I just broke my pencil. Shoot! I have to stop typing so fast. I can't forget that I am a freak. If somebody see? Maybe it won't matter. Maybe they won't care. Maybe the sun will stop rising.

 

13 February @ 12:24 am

I chickened out, didn't confront Pete, and didn't ask dad what was bothering him. I hate confrontation. 

I found Chloe in the torch office today upset. Lana is going to the dance with Whitney. They have to for appearance sake. She pretended she was fine with it but it upset her more than she let on so I'm taking Chloe to the dance as my friend. We're going to have fun even though we can't take who we really want to go with. I'm going to dress nice for it just because. Later, I want to show up at the mansion unless somebody is busy tomorrow night?

Dad isn't acting weird anymore, although he kind of got all excited about what he's got planned for mom on Valentine's Day. I told him I didn't want to know. I also reassured him I had something else to do that night so I would be out of his hair.

When I told him I'm going with Chloe to the dance he was happy for me but didn't ask for details.

For half a second I entertained the idea of just telling him about Lex. That would have been bad all around.

@ 11:44 pm

I have no idea why people go to school dances. They aren't that exciting. It was nice to spend a few hours with Chloe. She was great and I had a real nice time with her. We even danced a dance together. This girl from my English class asked me to dance. I was so surprised that I didn't have time to say no. I had no clue what to say to her. She did ask me if Chloe and I are dating. I told her Chloe is my best friend.

I stayed close to Chloe for most of the night. She slipped away for a while probably to go to the bathroom, but other than that we were mostly always together. Thank goodness since I felt a little awkward. Even Whitney was nice to me. I stayed until Chloe wanted to leave and she dropped me off at the mansion on the way home.

When I arrived Lex was drinking wine and watching TV. I didn't have too much time so we only sat and kissed.

 

15 February @ 09:37 am

I woke up early this morning because I was excited, plus I had chores to do before going over the Talon to help Lana.

Last night was nice. I had my doubts but not because Lex isn't great. I only had myself to offer and a lame card with an even lamer poem that I wrote. It was pretty bad.

Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
I can't write poetry  
this card is for you

I know nothing about romance. Once when I was fourteen I sneaked one of mom's romance novels up to my room. I wanted to see what it was about. I read the whole book but I still didn't get it. Maybe Lex can teach me.

Anyway, I know Lex gets it. He had the room set up with pillows on the floor, candlelight and pizza. I was so relieved to see that he hadn't spent too much money on me. I don't want him to. Plus if he'd gotten me something, how would I explain it to my parents. Instead I got what I really wanted: time with Lex. 

He looked so striking in the candlelight. I can't describe how amazing he is. He's got this way of carrying himself that exudes confidence that I would never be able to pull off. I wish I could. He was drinking wine, I drank milk, and when I kissed him I could taste the wine on his lips.

Just writing about our night is making me happy. I couldn't have asked for more. We sat on the floor and talked about everything. It was like the world had disappeared and we were the only ones alive. 

We made out, too. I didn't want to leave without doing that at the least. I did bring a condom with me just in case. Everything was perfect. I didn't want to spoil it with unnecessary drama over whether I'm ready or not. I know I'm not ready but I brought protection just in case.

After the make out session and pizza Lex popped microwave popcorn and put in a movie.

I almost forgot about something that happened the other day; a close call. Dad found the card I'd gotten for Lex for Valentine's Day. I'd written the poem in it already but not Lex's name. I have to learn to be way more careful. Dad just winked and said that Chloe would love it. I didn't correct his assumption. When he said it, I felt kind of like a heel, since I didn't get her a card. I guess I should have. She was my date after all. She didn't say anything about it so I guess it wasn't important. I'm sure that Lana got her something. 

Speaking of Lana, I have to get going. She's expecting me in a half hour. 

 

16 February @ 10:37 pm

I spent most of the week helping Lana at the Talon. The place is really starting to look great. It should be ready for the opening this weekend. I can't wait to see it once it's done.

I haven't seen Lex since Saturday. I was hoping to see him today but it never panned out. He was too busy and when I called again tonight he wasn't around.

Since there was no school today, dad decided to give me a million chores. I did my homework reading for class since I had time to finish it. I was bad this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday I was too busy to do my homework.

Mom and dad have already gone to bed. So now I'm on line seeing what everybody is up to. 

 

17 February @ 09:00 pm

I can't believe this is happening. I just got home from the Talon. Somebody left a gift-wrapped severed hand for us to find. Whoever did it wanted to make sure Lex found it.

I'd gone with Lana to talk to her about the project I have to do for school.

In class we were given the assignment to do a bio on a classmate. I got Lana, which is cool, but what totally sucks is Chloe got me. The reason it sucks is because she's the kind of person who goes digging for stories. She wants to be a reporter one day.

She was waiting for me at home, interviewing my parents. I took off since I was only there to drop things off before going over to the Talon. When Lana and I arrived at the Talon, Lex pulled up. We went inside to find the contractor knocked unconscious. Someone had left a box with a severed hand in it.

Lana called the police. I've never seen Lex freaked out over anything before. I tried to comfort Lana though what I really wanted to do was comfort Lex. I think Lana might be regretting going into business with Lex. Some guy who claimed to be Lex's friend from the past told her to stay away from him. He told her that everything Lex touched goes bad. It angered me to hear that. I don't know what to think at this point. Lex told me it doesn't concern me, but if body parts are showing up in my friend's coffee shops. I'm totally freaked but I trust Lex. I really do but man that hand was gross.

I made sure Lana got home okay after that.

 

18 February @ 11:55 pm

Just as I thought would happen. Chloe couldn't leave it alone. She went behind my back and investigated my adoption. I'm so angry right now. I have been all day. I just can't believe she would do this to me. I know nothing about my adoption and I don't care! She has no idea what it's like to know that my biological parents fucking abandoned me. They threw me away. For whatever reason they didn't want me. It hurts beyond the telling of it. When I consider how far my biological parents went to get rid of me, the pain is double. They put me in a space ship and threw out into the universe.

And Pete had to go and tell Chloe about that time in grade one when I pushed this kid through a door for picking on him. I wasn't proud of that. I got carried away. I wish Chloe would just do what I did instead of treating my life like some kind of corruption scandal. She always has to dig up something juicy about everything.

I am not a news story! I tried to tell her that, but she didn't listen at all. I guess this bothered me way more than I thought. I haven't talked to her since this morning, and I know if I called her I would say something I regretted.

I'm so furious right now. Not just at her. I'm angry at Lex, too. Something has come back from his past and he ordered me to stay out of it. It's like he thinks I can't handle it. I hate that. I hate when people think I'm too naive or too young to handle something.

I found out that a few years ago some guy was killed in a club, and Lex was there when it happened. I went to ask him about it and I could have sworn I heard somebody else in the room with him. When I went in, Lex was alone and that was when I asked him what was going on. He asked me to stay out of it but I'm not going to stay out of it! I'm not just some guy he knows. I'm supposed to be somebody to him. I'm supposed to help him and I will. I don't care how mad he gets at me.

I'm not sure how it happened. We were arguing and then suddenly he jumped on me and we were on the floor, tearing at each other's clothes. Before I knew it, I was sucking him off right there on the floor. I pinned him down and sucked him until he came. I've dreamed things like this but it's totally different when you're there and the cock is in your mouth. I can still taste him on my tongue.

He grabbed me, and sucked me off right after. It was the hottest thing I've ever seen. I didn't last long. I came all over his face. I'm never going to forget that sight as long as I live. I never thought I'd think something like that was hot.

We were in his private gym, so we took a shower. Naked. Together. I was embarrassed at first. He told me I'm beautiful. I had no idea what to say to that. I just got more embarrassed. 

I went back to the mansion with him and stayed there for the rest of the night. We had dinner and hung out together. We didn't say much; just mostly made out. 

Now I'm sitting here after what happened feeling horny and I'm hard again. I have to go jerk off. I'm not sure what to think about what we did, or why we did it.

 

19 February @ 11:19 pm

They're all dead. All of our cows are dead. Some sick person dumped chemicals that came from Lex's factory on our property and killed all our cows.

I was so cold toward Lex. He looked real upset about the cows, but I was just cold and ordered him to tell the police why this happened. He said it has something to do with what happened at Club Zero a few years ago.

When he just left the farm without saying bye, I panicked. He's never done that. My dad hates him so much right now. I tried to reason with him this morning before we saw what had happened. Now there's no way he'll ever accept my feelings for Lex. He'll hate me for going near him.

I've never seen my dad so upset. He's not talking to me much. 

Mom asked me to cool it with Lex. I know already that I'm not going to obey her. I can't. I don't care what my parents say, a person shouldn't be judged just because of their name, and a person shouldn't be held responsible for what somebody else does. Somebody did this to ruin Lex.

I got desperate and called Mr. Luthor. He sounded worried about Lex. I knew something was up when even he said Lex was nowhere to be found. 

But I found Lex and I knocked out the guy that hurt him, and then called the police. Lex is home now. He's a little banged up. I stayed with him until the police took the kidnapper away. I was so glad to see Lex alive that I held him and kissed him. It took me a few minutes before I realized I still hadn't gotten him out of the straight jacket that jerk had put him in.

@ 11:34 pm

Chloe decided to drop the adoption thing for the good of our friendship. 

I asked my dad about it and he said it's legitimate. My parents just needed to do things differently because of how they found me.

I was found naked, in a field with nobody else in sight. Actually, my mom always says I found them. Their truck was overturned from the meteor shower. I was lucky they found me.

It's only been six months since my dad told me the truth of where I'm from. I still haven't gotten used to the idea. I doubt I ever will. I crashed to earth in a ship. How do I get used to that? How do I resign myself to the fact that I'm an alien lost in a foreign land? I have too many questions and not enough answers. It will probably always be that way.

My biological parents must have wanted to get rid of me so badly. They threw me out into the coldness of space. I wonder if they even expected me to survive. I wonder why they did it. I wonder where they are. If I look up into the stars am I seeing my home planet's star? If I am, which one is it? I look through the telescope almost every night and try to see if I can figure out which one is my home world.

It's so stupid but suddenly I feel homesick even though earth has been the only home I've ever known.

I keep thinking about what happened yesterday. I mean, I got to see Lex naked. I still can't believe I did it. I pushed him down and took control. It would be so easy to just always control him. My strength guarantees that. I can still remember how he tastes on my tongue. 

I feel lost. At least emotionally I am very much the same as any other teenager, if I really am a teenager. For all I know I'm actually thousands of years old. Doesn't it take that long to travel across the universe? I'm really losing it now.

Who am I? Where am I from? Why did my parents abandon me? Who are my parents? What is the name of my home world? Where is my home world? 

I could keep going forever. I could even ask if it was fate that I met Lex the way I did. I could even ask why my feelings for him are so strong. I may never get answers.

 

20 February @ 11:23 pm

It's not like she said stay away from him, it's more like make the choice yourself or else I will make it for you. She didn't say what she would do, but it was implied that it wouldn't be good.

I'm so fidgety tonight. I spent most of the morning in la-la land. I can't even remember what any of the teachers said. I came straight home from school, did the chores as slow as I could since I had so much time. 

I found an old picture of when the Talon first opened, and had it framed. I'm going to give it to Lana tomorrow. She called tonight to ask how everything is going. She asked if I was worried about something else from Lex's past coming back. If only she knew.

Now I have to sit here all night. If I even reach for the phone, mom asks whom I'm calling. I know I'll see him at the opening for sure so maybe I'll pull him aside. I need to go for a run or break some rocks or something.

 

21 February @ 11:47 pm

The opening was a great success but not for me. I've had a blah day. Woke up, trudged through chores, and then sat around waiting to be allowed to go to the opening.

The Talon looked amazing. Everything came together so well. I got to see Lex while I was there. He looked handsome. I hadn't seen him since the kidnapping incident in the city. We went into the back office to talk in private. I couldn't tell him that my mom and dad were grounding me until further notice with people around. Especially since most of them are my friends.

I totally panicked. I thought for sure he would tell me he couldn't take the overprotective parents thing. I thought for sure he'd tell me I'm not worth the hassle. I can't help but think that way. Mom told me to cool it with Lex. I told her I wouldn't cut him out of my life. I told her several times that Lex is a good friend to me and that he would never let anything happen to me. I just know he wouldn't. 

Dad's not saying much to me. He talks to me but it's always brief. This is so hard to write but I need to get it off my chest. Dad is so mad about the cows. I can't even reason with him so I gave up. I'm going to try to talk to him tomorrow.

When I saw Lex today, I asked him what the real truth was about the club. He told me he did what he did to protect his friend. He took the heat for somebody else so she wouldn't go to jail. That just blows me away. I mean, to go that far for a friend. I believe Lex no matter what my dad says.

When Lex and I talked in private, I wasn't sure what to say. I felt so stupid and young and out of my league. I told him about my mom wanting to talk to him first before I can see him again. I talked to him longer than I was allowed to and I asked him if we could sneak out. I can't understand why mom is being so strict. She's not usually like this. It's good that she doesn't know how far things have gone.

She called me just as Lex and I were finished talking. How do moms do that? She totally grilled me. Asked a million questions even asked if I saw Lex. I couldn't lie. I never could to mom. As I left the Talon, I had to get one last look at him. He looked so sad. I wanted to go to him and just hold him in my arms. 

I want him to be happy. I want to let him know that I'll be thinking about him all night and all day tomorrow. I'm going to call tomorrow to make sure he's okay. I'm so tired. I feel drained and lost. Maybe if I sleep on it things will look different. Maybe they'll look better.

 

22 February @ 09:28 am

I just had the biggest fight with dad. I don't even know how it happened. I went down to have breakfast like always. Everything was fine and then dad said he needed me all day for chores, which isn't unusual. So I said fine and then I tried to bring up Lex. Dad didn't say anything at first. I kept talking. I told him and mom the truth about what actually happened. I even said I admired him for trying to protect his friend that way.

Dad freaked. He told me that there was nothing to admire about Lex. That he's nothing but a spoiled brat who thinks he can solve all his problems with money.

Then I reminded them that Lex has always been a good friend to me. Mom glared at me.

Dad said a few things that really hurt. Then he stormed out. When he was gone, I tried to reason with mom. She told me that she isn't planning on forbidding me from seeing him, but she just needs reassurances.

I hope she doesn't ask him to dump me. I feel so panicked. What if she does? What if she goes to him and says she doesn't want us to be together that way? I wish I'd never told her about me; about us. 

I have to go do chores now. I'm going to call Lex later. I think mom said she was going to go to the mansion today to talk to him. This is so dumb, I know Lex would never hurt me or let me be hurt. He said so when he told me he would do anything to protect his friends.

I'll have to tell him that I would never ask him to go that far for me. As much as I love the idea, I would never want him to do something illegal for my sake. Okay, maybe something that is only between the two of us and in a bed, in private, with lots of lube.

I hate my life sometimes.

 

23 February @ 04:36 pm

My mom went over yesterday to talk to Lex. Things went well. I'm not sure what she said, but when she got home after she came straight to the loft to talk to me about it. She is the best mom ever.

As soon as she told me that I could go over to see Lex, I was off to the mansion. It was great to surprise him. He didn't expect me to show up so soon after the talk with mom. We didn't really talk much about what was said between them. I wanted him to know that the trust she put in me is very important to me. I don't think I got that across. Sometimes the words are hard to find.

At least I got to kiss him and touch him. It blows me away that my mom knows and she's still okay with it. 

Then there's dad. He's still not talking to me. This is always how it is. In a few days things will be back to normal. I'm not that worried. I have to go do deliveries soon, which means I get to see Lex. Last night he beat me at pool so I think I'll ask for a rematch. 

Mom's calling. I have to get going.

 

24 February @ 12:38 am

I totally screwed up. I thought if I made light of it and tried to keep things easygoing, I would be able to talk more readily about sex. I was so wrong. I think I made things worse. I felt like a total fool. I think back to what I said and I just can't even believe I said it. What the hell was I thinking?

Lex sounds so upset. He was drinking. I guess I really screwed up. I just don't know how to handle all this. I need to think long and hard on how to handle it all.

We made a date to talk about that kind of stuff for Wednesday. It was so weird. I went over there not really expecting to say much just maybe to talk and then suddenly the conversation (thanks to my big mouth) took a weird turn. I wanted to at least let him know that I liked what we did the other day. I'm not really sure where I got the courage to even touch him like that. I just did and now I have to deal with the consequences of what happened.

I loved it. I should have told him that. I told him I didn't want him to f*** me. He was so upset; I thought I'd said something totally wrong. I didn't even get the courage to say I want it to be more between us; not just sex. I'm not interested in that. I want us to be close. I care about him way more than as somebody to just have sex with.

Even to myself I sound like a dork. When I thought it in my head, I panicked and couldn't say it to him. He thinks I don't want to. I'll have to wait to tell him since it's so late.

I am going to put it down here even if it sounds naive. I want us to make love.

 

25 February @ 10:01 am

So I spent most of last night lying on the floor of my loft. I just sort of fell and didn't bother getting up. You'd be surprised what you can figure out lying on a wooden floor. Mom came and got me, otherwise I think I would have just stayed there all night. I was thinking. 

I'm supposed to go over to the mansion later today to talk about it.

Everybody is trying to point me in the right direction. I ran into Mr. K at the coffee house. We talked for a bit. It seems like I'm being too shy about all this and shouldn't worry about how Lex will react to what I have to say. Both Mr. K and Lana think I have to just tell Lex how I feel. It's so easy for them to say, but not so easy for me to do. At least that's what I thought.

Lana called last night. She's so cool. I was confused and talking to her made me feel better. Thanks to her and Mr. K. I called Lex. He was home and we talked. It went well. He made me realize something I didn't even know. I'm worried about so many things when it comes to taking the next step with him. We said we could work it out as we go along so now I'm not so worried.

It may just be all for nothing. I mean I'm not really ready for more. I want to make sure we both know where we stand. I know we already decided to not do things that involve clothing removal, but he's just so … and it never hurts to talk about these things. At least this way I've already had practice and won't explode later from embarrassment.

@ 10:35 am

There's so much I can't tell Lex. It makes it so hard sometimes. I can't tell him what my real fears are. I can't say that one of the things I'm worried about is that I will hurt him, or that my strength may mean I can't have sex with him because he's so fragile. When I did what I did to him in the gym, I had to make sure I was in control 100 % of the time. Otherwise I could crack things; delicate things and I like Lex's delicate things just the way they are. 

When we talked last night, I wanted so badly to tell him I was worried about this, but I can't and I can't talk to my mom or dad about it. I talked to my mom before about my fears of hurting a human partner. She said she has faith in me. I have never done anything like this before. What if I can't?

I've had to keep my hands to myself my whole life and for the first time somebody wants me to touch them. Somebody wants to be with me in an intimate way and it scares me. I feel like I should just walk away from it all. I think maybe I should since not only could this go badly because of my differences, but I feel more and more every day that if I can't share what I am with Lex, I shouldn't even be with him.

Last night, when we talked, he told me he won't go away if things aren't as great as all that. I told him I wished the other day in the gym had gone slower, and been more intimate rather than a quick sexual encounter. He said that it was cool that I just took; that sex doesn't always have to be one thing. He said it could be many things. He also said he loves that I want things from him, and that me just saying it gets him hot.

I guess I have a lot to learn. My ideals about an intimate relationship must seem so naive to him, although I know he won't hold that against me.

The fact that he wants at all is amazing but terrifying. I never thought in a million years that anybody would desire me so much. The look in his eyes when we're alone makes me want a lot of things. The way he says he will be with me however he can in that way. It's heart stopping.

I close my eyes and think about him under me; think about being inside him and how that will feel. I think about him taking me in hand and just showing me everything he knows about touching, kissing, and sex. 

Last night I asked him who would top, but Lex just ignored the question. I didn't press, but I will tonight.

 

26 February @ 11:17 am

We talked. It was interesting to say the least. I blanked on every question I wanted to ask as soon as I saw him. He looked so good. I managed to get some questions out. He was really cool about it all. We decided to move things to a new level. So now we can touch bare skin.

I asked him about his own sexual history. I won't say what he told me here since that's private stuff. I was so nervous about asking those things since it's about his past and I know he's not keen on talking about it, but he answered the questions. I pulled out a condom and told him what I know about safe sex. Of course what I know wouldn't even make for an interesting entry.

Our relationship has moved forward. I'm glad because now I feel so much more comfortable with everything. I feel like I could talk to him about almost anything now. He even said I could call if I came up with anything else to ask.

I have to get back to class. More later.

 

27 February @ 12:01 am

I did it. I went over and we talked. I had time to think about him all day; which wasn't easy since I kept getting excited whenever I did think about Lex. 

We're getting together tomorrow night.

School was the usual. When I got home dad was magically talking to me again. We get the new cows this weekend so that should make him happy. He's been so down about the whole thing. I made sure to steer clear of him since 99 percent of my thoughts revolve around Lex.

Mom made fresh pie tonight. I had two slices. She's being real indulgent. She just came up a few minutes ago to ask if there was anything I wanted to talk about since I seemed so weird the other day. I pointed out that I was not only sitting at my desk (instead of on the floor) but I was doing my homework. I had so much of it tonight.

I wanted to call Lex, but mom has imposed a little rule about talking on the phone after 11 on a school night, which isn't as strict as some parents.

@ 11:17 am

I did it. I asked Lex if he likes to top or bottom. He was kind of vague about it. He said he likes to keep his options open. I have no idea what I would like. I don't even know how it will feel for me. I'm an alien and just because I look like a human on the outside doesn't mean I'll necessarily have the same parts on in the inside. That is a depressing thought. What if sex isn't the same thing for my species? I've jerked off plenty of times. I even smashed things and ripped clothing by accident. I've since learned to control it, but still, I don't know what to expect. Maybe I'm overthinking this.

Lex and I have already done some stuff. Like what happened in the gym. I still can't figure out why I did it. All I know is that I just felt like I needed to touch and be touched at that moment. I wanted him to suck me off; I wanted to suck him off. I wanted to know what it was like to have a part of him inside me. I want to know what it will feel like when he penetrates me.

Tonight I'm supposed to go over to his place. I was supposed to try on a condom last night while jerking off, but seemed weird somehow so when I jerked off, I had a mess to clean up. Lex says he likes it messy. I think I do too. I mean, I don't really know if I do or not but it seems so much more sexy.

When we were in the gym, I came on his face and that was very hot. I wanted to lick him all over. He was all wet and sticky and it really was like I was marking him as mine. The only ones who know are him and me, but who cares. I like it so private. I like that we have to be secretive. I like that he wants me; that he wants me to touch, to taste, to push into him. I will only admit this in private but the first time I see him in the day I get hard. I want to push him to the ground and do naughty things with him. At least a hundred times a day I imagine it.

I wonder if I'm hitting some kind of sexual peak for me.

I want us to have a safe word. In case I hurt him, or I inadvertently break something. I can't really feel any pain since I'm invulnerable. I know I feel pleasure because when Lex touches me, it feels amazing. It sends tingles all over my body and makes me respond in ways I never imagined. I'm hoping that this means when I have actual sex that I will feel it. I want to feel it.

Then there's the issue of safe sex; condoms and how to put one on. I know the gist but I get so nervous when I take one out of the package. The first time I opened one, I misjudged my strength and tore it in half, the second time I poked a hole through it. I think I'll let Lex put it on me. I may just have to pretend it's something that turns me on; a kink. I wonder if he would buy that.

We talked some more about Lex's sexual history. I really wanted to know when he first had sex. He seemed so nervous about the subject. I pushed a little but I didn't want to push too hard. I hope it's not something bad. He only really told me how old he was (fourteen), and that it was a guy and a girl. He said he didn't enjoy it. I wonder why he disliked it so much. Maybe he was forced. That would totally suck.

 

28 February @ 10:43 pm

I couldn't go over last night or tonight! My mom asked me to stay close to home since dad's acting weird. I begged her to let me go over to the mansion since I had a date with Lex but she said no. She also said that I was not to sneak over during the nighttime.

I sort of listened to her. I sneaked over very late at night. I just forgot to tell her. Since she didn't ask I didn't have to lie to her about it. Besides, it's totally unfair; I was not even thinking of sneaking over until she mentioned it.

I went by around three. I had this dream about Lex and then I couldn't sleep so I had to make sure he was okay. He was just fine and asleep in his bed. We made out and then I had to leave, which totally sucked since I wanted to stay and fall asleep with him. He pointed out that it wouldn't be a good thing.

So now I'm hanging out in my fortress, alone; bored out of my mind. I already did all my homework and shot some hoops. I spent some time watching the mansion today. It looks deserted from a distance. I saw one light on. I kept wondering what Lex was doing.

@ 11:40 pm

Last night was the best. I'm so glad mom gave me the idea to sneak out. I hadn't done that in a long time. 

I slipped into his bed and touched his cheek to wake him up. He woke up almost right away a little startled at first but then he smiled when he saw who it was. I climbed into his bed and pinned him down since he was still half awake. Just like at the gym I felt brave. I slid my hand into his pajama bottoms and touched him. He was as hard as I was. I was hard even before I got into the bed.

I sucked him off until he came in my mouth. It was amazing. I'd read this thing on line about how to deep-throat. I think I did okay because I pretty much rendered him speechless. He couldn't talk for a few minutes after he came. I was proud that I swallowed. He looked shocked that I did.

After, we lay down for a few minutes. I would never have asked him to do it, but I didn't need to. He took my pajama bottoms off. He did it. I was on top of him but he urged me up so that I was on my hands and knees above him. He slid down and it was so hot I tore the sheets. I let go of the mattress just in time. Since I couldn't last very long with his hot mouth on my cock, I was coming almost minutes later. He didn't make me feel ashamed or embarrassed about coming so fast. I felt so content with him. 

Then when we were relaxing again I told him how I feel and he said it back. Not ditto or anything like that 'I love you, too.'

I wanted to stay, I really did. I'll make some kind of arrangements in the future so we can do that. We have lots of time now that we're together.

The best thing is he didn't ask me about the sheets. I mean I shredded them to bits. I came so hard.

 

29 February @ 02:10 am

Lex said he had a safe word with Bruce. Does that mean they tied each other up during sex? Does Lex want me to do that to him? I can't do that. I would never want to hurt him. What if he wants that, I say no, and he goes somewhere else?

I can't stop thinking about this now. Lex tied up. I've seen it. I saw him in a straightjacket; that's tied up. Did I like it? I can't remember. I wasn't thinking that way at all. I was just thinking he needed to be saved.

I did hold him still when he tried to pull out of my mouth last night. Does that mean I could be into tying him up? Suddenly I'm so much more confused.


End file.
